


I'll See You in My Dreams

by rememberwhyineededto



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Caring Eddie Diaz, Drinking, Drunken Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Excessive Drinking, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Injured Evan "Buck" Buckley, Inspired By Tumblr, M/M, Nightmare Fuel, Nightmares, Oops, Protective Eddie Diaz, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Worried Eddie Diaz, protect evan buckley at all costs, surprise its not funny, this was supposed to be a funny one-shot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 08:09:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23968147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rememberwhyineededto/pseuds/rememberwhyineededto
Summary: This was supposed to be a lighthearted one-shot based on a post I found on tumblr (@rememberwhyineededto) and here we are multiple angst-filled chapters later. I'm also bad at summaries, just give it a whirl if you want to have your heart stomped on a bit.After a party with the 118, Buck realizes where his actual home is and has a rather harrowing night that Eddie bears witness to. The following day, the two are at odds about what happened and find it difficult to be remotely close to each other. However, when a call comes in that echoes memories of Buck's past, the only one who can pull him out of the depths of drowning in his own sorrows, is the same one that Buck has relied on all along.
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 102





	1. Chapter 1

Only a week had passed since Buck nearly watched Eddie succumb to the almost fatal ground shift that attempted to bury him in that field. Things were almost back to business as usual, normal shifts and common small talk day in and day out. Everyone else at the 118 seemed to easily move past the scare except for Buck. The sounds of his own screams after Eddie and the feeling of cold, wet earth slipping through his fingers haunted him amidst the surface conversations he attempted to have with his coworkers.

They planned for a “Over the Hill but Not Underneath It” Party after Eddie returned to work. The name courtesy of Hen and Chimney’s joint effort for a good laugh complete with a themed cake as the firefighters kept with tradition after Chimney’s incidents months before.

For whatever reason, Buck agreed to hold the party at his house as opposed to the usual gathering at Athena and Bobby’s much more sweeping spread, but he hadn’t had people visit much recently and perhaps the laughter and good energy filling his small apartment would help lift the cloud of gloom that seemingly followed him everywhere now.

~

Looking down at the cake the night of the party, the small figure of a marshmallow man trapped beneath an almost absurd amount of chocolate icing taunted Buck. Despite the joyous occasion to celebrate Eddie’s return, he found himself drawn to a lone corner kitchen stool for most of the evening while his coworkers made themselves at home in his kitchen and on his sofa. He of course didn’t mind, but isolating himself in plain sight became a daily occurrence as of late. The growing collection of beer bottles on the counter-top gave Buck a matching numbness that he welcomed, given all the pain he has been through the past year.

Just a mere couple of months ago, the stairs that Eddie was now sitting on while laughing with Bobby about a call from that week that he missed, were the bane of his existence while he was stationed up with that unforgiving cast covering his shattered leg. The sofa became his bed for all those months and now it had become littered with popcorn and chips. It offered the meek amount of comfort that Buck had grown to get used to during those months. He could just close his eyes and picture nearly every single stitch and texture in the once bright, welcoming fabric after spending hours upon hours on that very surface.

Buck grabbed another beer from the refrigerator and folded up an empty box that held the first six bottles that he had consumed within a little more than an hour. Throwing the box away proved to be a little more difficult as he noticed his foot missing the trash can step the first couple of times before succeeding to open the can and toss in the cardboard.

“Enjoying yourself Buckaroo? You’ve been awfully quiet tonight, I thought you’d be forcing everyone to play charades or that dancing game Chris keeps going on about whenever he comes by the station to visit,” Athena asked Buck, leaning up against the entryway wall across from his stool.

He looked up, a little startled at the sudden conversation. As thrilled as he was that Eddie was okay, even looking at him gave Buck a chill as he imagined what would’ve come out of that mud had Eddie not found a way out. Or rather, if they could’ve even gotten any part of him back out at all. The drinks seemed to all rush to his head as he answered her, “Of course! I'm just a little tired out from the past few shifts is all.”

Athena was one of the people who always saw through whatever front Buck had on at the moment. Usually she questioned it, knowing that the younger man sometimes felt the whole world on his shoulders, and she tried to urge him to lighten the load whenever possible.

However, something about the total eight empty bottles in front of Buck must’ve read ‘not tonight’ to Athena and instead of questioning his bluff, she instead just gave him a small smile, “Eddie is okay, Buck. He’s alive, Christopher is alive. I know that must have been terrifying for you to go through again, but they’re okay. Go spend time with him now and get a smile on that face. It’s not like you to not be the life of the party whether you’re coughing up blood or not,” She laughed and he felt a small smile grace his face accompanied by a quiet chuckle,” but we’d all rather you not this time.”

Bobby called out to her from the living room and Athena gave Buck a small nod before heading over to join her husband, Hen, and Chimney who were gearing up the karaoke game on his TV. Buck downed the rest of his beer and leaned back on the seat, forgetting for a second that there wasn’t a back and suddenly feeling himself slipping backwards before reaching out to the counter and steadying himself. Apparently he was generously more intoxicated than he thought if the tilting floor and warm, fuzzy feeling in his head was any indication.

In front of the TV, his coworkers started singing to an incoherent rock song and usually he would’ve been laughing and clapping along, but instead, the bass echoing throughout his head combined with the swirl of alcohol drew his attention elsewhere. His red brick apartment walls, which seemed so bright and cheerful when he first moved in, cast a threatening glow now and the stairs that accented the modern decor seemed to grow taller and more menacing the longer he looked at them.

While he was recovering from his shattered leg, Buck’s stairs were rendered useless as he could barely hobble around the even ground level, much less brave the mountain of wood and steel. He hadn’t thought much about that time being alone in his house while his friends at the 118 carried on with normal shifts in his absence. If he learned anything from the past year of earthquakes, tsunamis, and other qualifying disasters, he knew better than to dwell on the painful memories. Though now, with the edges of his mind a little fuzzy, those lonely days seemed to creep back into the forefront of his mind as he looked around the room.

One day in particular, the stairs seemed like such a simple obstacle to tackle that evening. Everyone uses stairs: kids, adults, seniors with great hip replacements. Hell, he just wanted to sleep in his bed like a normal person again and couldn’t even do that much. So, cast and all, he found himself standing at the landing, gently using his arms to lift his injured leg and propping it up, step by step ever so carefully until he planted his feet on his bedroom floor.

Buck was elated, but admittedly quite out of breath as he stumbled over to his bed and felt the mattress sag under his weight. Weeks of very limited activity had shown their effects as his leg throbbed from the constant motion, but he couldn’t help but let a huge grin break out on his face. He did it. He beat the odds and could finally sleep in a bed tonight.

All he could think about was getting back to the 118 and while taking 20 minutes to go up a set of stairs and being terribly winded and in pain afterwards wouldn’t make him a firefighter again, he had a starting point now and could only increase his chances of getting back to where he belonged from here. Although, he quickly realized that all of his necessary belongings were still scattered around the sofa and another trip down and back would have to be made in order to sleep.

After gathering up what strength he had left, Buck eased himself up and slowly began going back down the staircase, but he quickly discovered that descending proved to be much more difficult.

The weight of his cast pulled his body forward with much more force than he anticipated so he took it even slower than before, carefully balancing his injured leg on the stair while swinging his other one downwards. He made it a little more than halfway before he paused to take a breath and examine the steps below him while mustering up enough strength to make it all the way down. As he swung his good leg down to keep up his pace, in a split second, he felt the sicking feeling of his leg buckling and his body swiftly falling through the air and landing with a hard crunch on the stair below before continuing to careen down the stairs at an alarming rate, coupled with his shouts of pain as his bruised body hit the hardwood.

The floor of his kitchen never looked so dull and lifeless as he laid on the floor, feeling the tears well up in his eyes, partially because of the pain and because of the shame he felt creeping up on his face. Months ago, he saved lives running through burning buildings and performing daring rescues hundreds of feet in the air. Now, as he propped up his screaming body against the wall, the hot tears he dared not to fall began raining down on his face and he didn’t have any will left to stop them.

He attempted to get up and make a move to his phone which seemed like the logical thing to do, yet who would he call? Bobby? He’s seen Bobby at some of his worst, but thinking about the man he thinks of in many ways as a father figure making sure he’s all right while simultaneously giving him disapproving looks and asking Buck why he has to be so rash and impatient made him turn away from that idea. Hen? Maddie? Eddie? As much as he had grown close to Eddie in the time since he had started at the 118, Buck knew that was even more improbable than calling Ali.

He’d realized more recently in the past few months his soft spot for the other man and especially for his wavy-haired, son Christopher who was quite literally a personified ray of sunshine. The last thing he would need is to confront those feelings while Eddie watched Buck struggle to walk and wipe away the pain from the past number of weeks. The feeling of gripping onto Eddie’s hand while his team tried to pull him out of underneath that firetruck and seeing the other man’s deep brown eyes welling up with tears while Buck screamed out in pain was not something that he cared to relive at the present moment.

No, he’ll lay here for a minute more until the pain ceases enough to stand and he’ll make it to his couch for the night. He never wants to burden anyone else with his problems and plans to take those to the grave with him. Everyone already still views him as the same dumb kid who stole to ladder truck to have sex in so whats a little good old-fashioned immaturity?

Cracking open another beer to almost finish off the case, Buck stared at the flecks of white that sprinkled his black counter top until they started swirling together. The pain from that night was so fresh in his mind that he felt those same tears start adding to the blurred vision he already possessed.

All those months ago, Eddie was still a ‘work’ friend and even though the two did see each other outside of the job, it wasn’t as normal as it is now. Just the other week he remembered laughing with Maddie about not being a guest in Eddie’s house anymore at their last get-together. He and Eddie have been through so many things since his leg that Buck felt that his own house just wasn’t where he needed to be right now.

The commotion in his living room made Buck draw his nose up and as he looked around at semi-familiar faces of his team which were hazy and unclear, but the one face he wanted to see more than any other was nowhere to be found. He wanted to find Eddie. Why were people here again? As much as he loved his team, why did they have to be so loud sometimes?

He just shook his head and wobbled over to the front door, trying to be discreet as to not ruin whatever celebration was going on. Did he miss a birthday? Or an anniversary? Buck didn’t care, he just needed to go and only focused on that.

The cool night air was welcoming to the swarm of thoughts going on in his head as he pulled out his phone and ordered an Uber to Eddie’s house. Buck may be more drunk than he’s been in an incredibly long time, but he isn’t dumb enough to try and drive his own car. Just dumb enough to want nothing more than to give his best friend the long-overdue hug that he owed him after Eddie escaped the collapsed well and maybe cry a little bit more. Talk about his feelings, who knows?

A few short minutes later, the Uber pulled up and Buck barely gave the driver any regard, which isn’t usually like him, but he was focused on the mission at hand. Not to mention, the car door seemed to have six different handles and it was nothing short of a miracle that he guessed the right one on the first try.

As he sat down in the seat, his phone buzzed in his pocket. He looked at the contact and smiled when he saw it was Eddie seemingly reading his mind.

_Eddie: Where are you?_

_Buck: I left whatever party was going on. Remind me to tell everyone I’m sorry at work, I just wasn’t in the mood to stay :(_

_Eddie: Wtf where are you going? It was at your house_

Where is he going? Where he feels safe and doesn’t have terrible memories in every step of the house. Buck is going where he feels at home.

_Buck: I’m going home._

_Eddie: Are you kidding me? We’re all at your house. Come back, you’re drunk Evan_

He probably looked like a lovesick teenager in the back seat,smiling at his phone, but Buck didn’t care. Eddie was the one person that made him love his first name.

_Buck: Don’t worry I called an Uber :)) I’m not dumb Edmundo_

_Eddie: We’re still at your house. I’m here, you literally left your own house and your own party_

_Buck: I’m going home. I want to go home to your house not mine_

_Eddie: No one’s there. I’m at your house and have been trying to find you and Chris is with mi abuela tonight at her house. Just come back to your house. Everyone is leaving soon anyway and if you aren’t up to company, I’m sure they'll leave soon_

Buck thought about what Eddie said for a minute and debated on going back to his own house and forgetting this whole thing completely. The alcohol teeming inside his mind seemed to dissipate rapidly and the reality of the situation started to sink in. Stupid. However, now he was stuck between Eddie’s apparent empty house and his apartment where people know he’s made a fool of himself yet again.

Before he had another second to decide the least humiliating course of action now that he was sobering up fairly quickly, the Uber pulled into the familiar Diaz driveway and Buck felt himself on autopilot getting out of the car and watching it pull away as he turned to face the empty house behind him.

_Buck: I’ll be back later I’m sorry. Just enjoy the party_

His phone buzzed with an almost instant reply, but he didn’t bother to open it now. The small front porch looked so welcoming and the night air was clearing his head after the course of the evening so Buck took a seat on the stair and rested his head in his hands.

Stupid. Why would he think this is a good idea? Ruining his best friend’s night that is supposed to be a celebration. He should’ve just stayed on his stool in the kitchen and kept count of how many beers he could go through while still being coherent enough to be remotely social.

The past couple of months began to pervade Buck’s mind and he found his leg began to ache as the memories caught up with him. No matter what he did, he couldn’t shake the feeling of loneliness and alienation that plagued him daily. He was just immature and shallow in their eyes despite all that had happened. No fault of his own or hell, even their own because he was just that what he started at the 118. It was just a shame now that even though he’d grown and changed so tremendously since then, no one bothered to really ask about how he was doing because they never had to before. Buck 1.0 wouldn’t have cared about anything that happened, or at least would try as hard as he could not to. He trained for the SEALS for God’s sake, but failed to be able to shut off his emotions. That didn’t mean he couldn’t try though. As much as he knows that his team loves him, they don’t see him for who he truly is. No one is used to worrying about Buck so no one does.

He stared out at the empty street in Eddie’s neighborhood and slowly felt the warm, comforting drunk feeling slip away to the usual painful emptiness. Usually, he would always try to go to sleep while still fairly tipsy to avoid this post-very drunk pre-hangover feeling, but the concrete porch wasn’t exactly the most comforting place to sit especially with his aching leg and staring at the dark LA sky seemed like the easiest way to pass the time.

After a couple of minutes, exhaustion started creeping up behind his weary eyes and Buck rested the side of his head against the porch railing. Sleep was on the forefront of his mind now and luckily he was still relatively drunk enough to find that the railing made the best pillow at the moment and closed his eyes. The concrete was going to hurt whenever he came to his sober senses, but he didn’t care. Getting so used to being in some sort of pain was a daily occurence, so in an odd way, the external pain at least numbed his mind long enough to close his eyes.

Drifting off, Buck felt the past events slip away into his unconscious.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said this was a two-chapter fic and this would be a fluff chapter? That was a definite lie, but one (?) more chapter is good, right? This one just hurts so you've been warned.
> 
> TW: Maybe suicidal tendencies? Not typical, but definitely leaning there at times.

As the cold, dark mud closed in around him, Buck gasped for breath and kicked upwards with all of his strength to try and free himself from the growing well water surrounding him. He kept shouting for his team and hoped someone could hear him on the surface. After he managed to get the kid to safety, the small pocket of air he had found collapsed and water was rapidly pouring in. The tsunami caused many fears for Buck, drowning in a churning, black pit of cold water was definitely at the top of the list so he tried to steady himself and think about a rational plan to get above ground. His team likely thought he was dead and he was beyond surprised that he wasn’t.

He remembered before going down that there may be alternate pockets of air and water that possibly could lead to the surface. Eddie argued with him about being the one to go in after the kid and kept worrying that Buck would make a rash decision and risk his life where they couldn’t get to him. Buck ended up winning with a rather harsh blow to Eddie that Buck didn’t have much to lose if the ground caved in and they couldn’t get him out. Eddie had Christopher, Buck had no one. Eddie looked like he was about to offer a fierce rebuttal to that statement, but Buck already was grabbing the rescue harness and shouting for Bobby to get ready.

Now, with a body laden with heavy rescue gear and an ache beginning to radiate up his leg, Buck started to panic as the water rushed closer. Soon, it would cover his head and if he stayed in his position, he’d certainly never make it out alive. So, he stripped off the backpack with rope, equipment, and tools to give him some sort of edge up on Mother Nature. He made it through both cycles of the tsunami, he could make it through this too.

The area where the child was wedged seemed like his best best for finding an alternate rescue route. Any paths should cross into the main line and luckily the ground shift seemed to open up the small tunnel just enough for Buck to fit into. He took in the deepest breath he could possibly hold and leapt into the dark, blackness swirling underneath him.

As much as he thought he could be prepared for the feeling of unpredictable currents moving him much like a rag-doll on the wind, it nearly took all the breath back out of his lungs. He was careful since the tsunami. Never submerging his body in water more than a shower. The thought never occurred to him until now, when the water-laden weightlessness was the most terrifying feeling he had felt thus far.

A silent scream from his leg made his whole body shake and as much as Buck tried to get back inside his own head, the hopelessness of the situation he found himself in resonated with him in the worst way. He was trapped. Again. With no way out and no one here to help him.

He started kicking through the water as best he could, his leg on fire, yet somehow numb at the same time. Trying to find any means of escape, Buck was suffocating with the pounding sound of his heartbeat in his ears. The walls to the well were damaged, but solid as he felt around in the pitch blackness for anything to grab onto. There was nothing. No hand to hold onto to transfer his pain into and give him some belief that he wasn’t alone down here. Just the deafening sound of rushing water and rapid thumping.

He kicked even harder, scrambling to latch onto something, to see a glimmer of light or opening in the darkness. Once again, no such hope. His leg ceased to kick as he was certain it wasn’t even attached to his body anymore, and he stopped. The ceiling of pure pitch black closed in on him, blurry figures started dancing around his vision due to the lack of oxygen and panic.

One last kick for good measure so he could at least try to tell himself that he didn’t give up and he closed his eyes, feeling an unknown presence pulling himself lower and lower into the abyss.

The pressure grew on his shoulder, almost the devil coming up from Hell itself reeling in his body with a stone cold grip.

He heard a voice distantly in the water. Someone almost calling for him?

He just shook his head with what little strength he had left and felt the grip on him grow stronger. This was it for him. Another rash decision to save a life while risking his own, only this time, he paid the price.

Even in the water, he could feel tears expelling from his eyes and joining the murky water surrounding his limp body.

Though, his body started to shake due to some unforeseen force and the distant voice grew louder and he kept shaking his head and whimpering, “Just let me go.”

“Buck!”

He rolled to one side, trying to flee from the iron tight grip on his body.

“Evan!”

His eyes stirred behind his frozen face and he felt his body shake once again.

“Evan, I don’t know where you are, but you have to come back. You’re okay. It’s okay, just open your eyes.”

The rushing in his head seemed to come back from the emptiness from moments before and he felt breath rush into his lungs once again. He gulped in the new found oxygen and jolted awake, gasping for the precious air that he’d lost just minutes ago.

“Hey, hey you’re okay. It’s okay,” A familiar, quiet voice released a hush over his belated breaths. He felt an arm across his back, rubbing reassuring circles into the cotton fabric. The wetness on his cheeks was the only sign of the water he found himself trapped in mere seconds ago and his eyes slowly peeled open to see Eddie’s face leaning into the younger man’s tear-soaked one.

Words failed him and Buck gathered his breath, looking at Eddie’s worried expression and meeting the man’s gaze. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“Shh Evan, it’s fine. Just breathe, okay?” He kept rubbing Buck’s back as he gathered his breath, reaching up to wipe away the tears that coated his red cheeks.

Buck couldn’t find any words to explain why he was passed out on his best friend’s porch at 2:00am, having terrible nightmares, and trying to roll to his good leg because the other one felt like it had been crushed all over again. Eddie seemed to pick up on this and just leaned in, holding Buck for a minute in a tight hug before standing up and pulling Buck up with him. He noticed Buck was favoring his once-injured leg, but he didn’t draw attention to it, just staying stable while Buck eased up from the concrete and turned to face Eddie.

“Does it hurt often? Your leg?” Eddie asked, trying to fill the silence and not make Buck come up with something to say.

Buck gave a small nod and spoke, Eddie didn’t think he’d ever heard him talk so quietly, “Yeah, sometimes, but not usually this. Eddie, I can go, I just can’t-”

“Stop Buck. You know you’re always welcome here, I guess whether I am or not!” Eddie tried to crack a small joke to breathe some life back into Buck’s dull, red eyes, but it didn’t have the intended effect as Buck’d eyes darted around, panicked, and wouldn’t meet Eddie’s gaze.

“Just come inside. Please? You can’t go anywhere like this and I’d be lying if I didn't say I was more than the slightest bit worried about you.” Eddie tried to read what was going through Buck’s head, but for one of the first times, Buck seemed to be closed off and heartbreakingly void.

“Okay.” Buck gave the smallest answer and even though it was barely above a whisper, Eddie breathed a sigh of relief and moved to open the door, keeping a constant eye on Buck as he stood, balancing almost all his weight on his good leg and staring off into the scuff marks on the porch.

“You want a beer?” Eddie asked, turning on the living room light.

“Considering I’ve already had nine and seeing where that got me, I don’t know if that’s the best option.”

“Yeah, you seem like you could use a beer.” Eddie opened up the refrigerator and grabbed two bottles. He placed them down on the counter, popped open the top and expected Buck to be making himself at home on his couch as usual, propping his feet up on the coffee table despite Eddie’s constant passive remarks that he just bought that table and wanted to keep it nice and foot-free. Instead, he looked out of the front door where Buck hadn’t dared to move since Eddie stood him up and it resonated with him as Buck wavered on one leg.

“Do you need help?” Eddie asked, only to be met with a sad, knowing look that ghosted Buck’s pallid face. Eddie crossed the front door threshold and stabilized the younger man who was visibly shaking now with a strong arm around his waist.

“Just to the couch, okay?” Buck nodded and Eddie tried not to acknowledge his painful exhales as the two made it to the sofa. He eased Buck down and glanced around for a blanket, sweater, anything to help ease Buck’s trembling. A lone hoodie was tossed over the recliner and Eddie reached for it, passing it to Buck who looked uncertain, but took the well-worn fabric from Eddie and shrugged it on. The smell of Eddie’s usual woodsy cologne offered a small comfort and he just kept breathing, avoiding the inevitable questions.

“Please talk to me Evan. We have barely talked since that call and I see that you aren’t alright. You have bags under your eyes and hardly talk to anyone much anymore. Why did you leave tonight? Everyone was excited to see you and you just stayed on that stool the entire evening until I looked up and you weren’t even there.”

Buck sipped his beer and tried to find his voice, appreciating the diversion."I don’t know.”

“That’s bullshit.” Eddie sat down on the other side of the couch and turned to Buck who now looked a daring little bit more like himself.

“Bullshit? Really? That’s comforting, thank you Eddie I’m so glad I came here. You’re such a wonderful-”

“Wait, let me finish before you go stomping off to some other person’s porch to sleep the rest of the night away.” Eddie paused and Buck closed his mouth before his next words came out in a regrettable fashion.

“You know why you left. I know why you left. I know how scared you were when the ground collapsed and I was still in there. I talked to Bobby and he told me how you ran to the well, trying to dig me out with your bare hands and he had to pull you away. Tonight was just a reminder of that night and even though the cake was fantastic, it just served as a constant reminder of what happened. Along with the banners, streamers, just the whole thing really, Hen and Chim went all out.”

Buck stayed silent, days ago he was angry that everyone went back to usual and never bothered to ask him if he was okay after watching Eddie nearly die. Now, he was feeling a very different sense of anger that Bobby had talked to Eddie about what happened and made him look like an idiot. “You cut your rope, Eddie. You cut your rope and I felt your weight drop from the line. Then the ground collapsed and you were gone. Just like in the tsunami when Chris was there for one minute and then the next, all I heard were his screams followed by silence. Everyone thought you had to be dead and I was the only one who tried to save you.”

It wasn’t like Eddie hadn’t considered that Buck would try to save him when he cut the rope, he just didn’t consider that Buck did almost lose Christopher months ago in the tsunami and now he watched the ground fall on top of Eddie with no way to save him and everyone assuming that he was already dead. Shit, Eddie knew everyone thought he had to be dead. It was a miracle it wasn’t. “Buck, I’m sorry. I should’ve at least checked in with you I just didn’t think-”

“Didn’t think what? That I’ve been through things too? I’ve lost people and almost lost the 118 at one point and what happens? What do I get? I’m selfish. I’m ‘exhausting’.” Buck almost sneered the last word and Eddie sat back, stunned that Buck even remembered that from the grocery store. “I almost lost Chris. Almost lost you. Jesus fuck Eddie, my own parents even left me and Maddie did as soon as she could. You cut the line and you were gone too. Everyone leaves me, that’s how it's always been and that’s how it’ll always be.”

Buck finished the rest of his beer in silence as Eddie sat, shocked and angry at himself more than anything for not even asking Buck if he was okay. He just always assumed he was, but never really knew for sure. Buck always made time to check in with Eddie and Chris. He built a skateboard for Chris after the incident at his school happened and surprised both of them at the park. At Christmas, Buck didn’t have a family to go home to at his apartment, so what was the next best thing? Bringing everyone's families to the station for Christmas dinner so no one had to be alone, even though he was the only one who would go home alone after shift. He sat around the holiday dinner table while everyone was with their own families and created his own Christmas with the people he loves most. How foolish Eddie was to never really bat an eye at the red-rimmed eyes Buck sometimes sported after a tough call or the days that he would skip out on shift dinner to lay in a bunk and drift in and out of a fitful sleep.

“I need to go.” Buck declared, snapping Eddie out of his trance. Selfish? Eddie was the one who wore that title.

“Buck wait, just stop. I’m so sorry, I just never thought that you thought that way.” Eddie tried to get up after Buck who despite his sore leg, had made it to the front door in record time.

“Just leave me alone Eddie. Please?” The door slammed shut behind him before Eddie could answer and he sat, frozen in that spot before he fell into a fit of restless slumber until his alarm rang out, disturbing the eerie silence of the Diaz household.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please drop a comment if your heart kind of is breaking like mine? Kudos are great, but comments are the lifeblood.
> 
> Also if you want to give my tumblr a follow its @rememberwhyineededto and its just Buddie nonsense.
> 
> Next one I think I'll get up tonight! Tomorrow at the latest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just keep adding chapters filled with angst and completely go against what I originally set our to write, okay? The fic chooses you, you don't choose the fic. One more chapter? Who knows anymore?

The next morning, Buck woke up to his alarm clock blaring and he groaned, wanting to throw the clock from his loft down into the living room floor to hopefully silence it once and for all when the previous night’s memories came flooding back. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, feeling the ringing reverberate through his skull and rattle his already aching head.

Laying in bed enduring this sort of 21st century torture seemed like an easier solution than going in for his next shift and facing his team after the events from the previous evening. Not to mention, having to face Eddie after Buck all but humiliated himself before limping off into the same Uber from before and facing the driver who just gave Buck a knowing smile and took him back to his own apartment.

He vaguely remembers crawling into his bed and appreciating the silence of his small house once again.

Buck rolled over and took in a deep breath, mustering up enough strength to get up before he was late for his shift. The air seemed to smell familiar, but unlike his usual apartment. Woodsy? Musky? He glanced around briefly before catching a glimpse of an unfamiliar dark green sweatshirt sleeve in his peripheral vision. He looked down and read the emblem emblazoned the left hand side ‘ARMY’ and on the right, a name all too familiar, Diaz.

Oh.

He planted his feet on the floor, still feeling the pain in his leg, but luckily not as severe as last night. The pins seemed to be bothering him more as of recently, but Buck tried not to let it show and brushed it off as a normal part of the healing process. His doctor had yet to validate that theory though.

Speeding through his morning routine, Buck tossed the hoodie back onto his bed at some point and proceeded to put on his LAFD t-shirt and a random pair of crumpled jeans off of the floor. He was a tad behind schedule, just grabbing an energy drink coupled with a protein bar for breakfast. Miraculously, his house was spotless from the party. Not even a lone streamer or abandoned stale chip on his floor made an appearance. Before leaving, he washed down the maximum ibuprofen dosage with a swift drink from his kitchen faucet and was about to open the front door until a small piece of paper on the counter caught his eye.

**Hey, don’t know where you ran off to, but I figured if you had to leave your own house to get away from a party that it might be time to send everyone home. Tried to clean up as best I could, but I didn’t know where to take the trash out to so your can might be a little overstuffed. See you tomorrow if you reappear by then -Eddie**

Well that explains it. Buck crumpled the note up and meant to throw it away, however Eddie was not kidding about the trash can and the lid was popped up with colorful streamers, signs, and food wrappers spilling out of it. Instead, he left the note on the counter and walked out. Taking at least three bags of trash out to the dumpster while nursing a terrible hangover was not the way his day needed to begin.

Buck pulled into the station the same time as a very large, familiar truck and instead of waiting for Eddie to get out and the two walk in together like usual, catching each other up on the past number of hours they hadn’t seen each other, Buck went straight to his locker and was already fully changed and putting on a pot of coffee by the time Eddie strolled in. At the dining table, Hen, Chim, and Bobby were making small talk about the party and all gave Buck a nod as he filled his cup and took a seat on the sofa. They seemed to raise an eyebrow at his odd mood, but didn’t question it as the team prepared for the shift meeting. Eddie hesitantly walked passed Buck on the way to the coffee machine and poured himself a cup, then took a seat with the other three while the rest of the swarm of navy blue uniforms cycled in, not batting an eye at the cloud of strange energy that had settled in the room.

The meeting was short, Bobby updated everyone on new equipment storage and cleaning protocol, wrote down ‘Tonight’s Menu’ on a quite decorative chalkboard stand complete with a small photo of Bobby’s face over a cartoon chef in the corner. The team had speculated that despite Bobby being adamant about not buying the chalkboard and creating a sticker of his face himself, he had purchased it himself to accent his firefighter captain by day/Michelin star restaurant chef by night persona. Athena had secretly told them the latter at Bobby’s most recent birthday party and they always played along, watching the older man dust it and carefully scrawl the ‘menu’ for the day with color-coded markers. She told them to let the man live or she’d have all of their heads by the end of the party so they stayed silent, giggling whenever he brought it up.

Now, Buck was unamused and knew that his evening hours would hopefully be spent on his usual bunk instead of picking through _Lemon Pepper Salmon with Seared Asparagus and Tossed Salad_. No sooner did he finish his coffee than did the first alarm ring.

The squad rushed down to the awaiting fleet of emergency vehicles and the ease of the morning ceased as everyone visibly prepared themselves in various ways.

Their first call was a small house fire, no one inside and luckily minimal damage to the property. Buck just did his job, supporting the truck and offering a hand whenever needed. Any rescues and he and Eddie would’ve had to come together. If it came down to it, both men would put aside any rift going on between them in order to save lives, but Buck wasn’t quite ready to come to terms with their reality just yet.

Back at the station, Buck intended on grabbing an early lunch and working out for an hour if it was going to be a slower day on shift. Though his plans were soon interrupted by Bobby waving him into the office as soon as Buck hung up his jacket and he felt a pit rising in his stomach. Getting called into the office was never a good thing for Buck and he felt his limbs move slower than his normal long stride as he took a seat across from his captain.

“How are you doing Buck? I hope you don’t mind me bringing you in here to ask, but you’ve been a little absent recently and some of your team has raised some concerns about your well-being.” Bobby watched as Buck folded his arms across his lap, unfolded them, fidgeted in the plastic chair, and then rapped his fingers along his knee.

“Some members? Like Eddie?” He asked. “I’m fine Bobby, just wanting to get back out there.”

Bobby looked at the youngest member of his team like he wanted to press it further, but resisted. “Not just Eddie, but I find it interesting that you bring him up. How’s your leg since the accident?”

Buck tried to not roll his eyes whenever someone referred to it as just an ‘accident’ and instead asked, “You mean when the bones of my leg were completely shattered by our ladder truck? And they replaced them all with metal rods and pins which left me to recover, alone, while I couldn’t even come into the building. That accident, Captain?”

With a sigh, Bobby continued, “Buck, you know I’ve given you a lot of chances and care about you very much, but this behavior is getting to be ridiculous and disruptive. I thought you’d changed since when you would run off with the trucks on a whim and return with mere seconds to spare before a call would come in. This isn’t helping convince me otherwise.”

“Just a dumb kid to you aren’t I?” Buck muttered under his breath, both mildly hoping that Bobby would hear and also praying that he didn’t. “Is there anything else or can I go?”

“That’s it Buck. You know if your leg is bothering you, the department still has physical therapists you can see and more treatment options to ease back into duty without as much pain.” Bobby hinted to Buck, knowing that the breach of trust about his leg would cause a further rift between him and Eddie, but Bobby couldn’t have a member of his rescue team being unfit for duty.

“I’m fine Bobby. Don’t worry about me.” Buck pushed the chair out and repeated, “Is there anything else?” Bobby just shook his head ‘no’ and watched Buck exit and make his way into the locker room across the hall.

Eddie was wrapping his hands for some much-needed boxing stress release when he heard the locker room door open and saw Buck storming towards him, his own workout gear in hand. “Why the fuck would you tell Bobby about my leg? I told you it wasn’t bad and you decided to tell our captain? The very same captain who suspended me from duty at the drop of a hat?” Buck slung his gear down on the ground next to Eddie and stared the other man down, getting about a foot away before stopping and feeling the words slip out of his mouth, “Last night didn’t happen. It’s none of your fucking business that my leg hurts sometimes and honestly it shouldn’t even concern you!”

“It became a concern of mine when I got home to you having a violent nightmare on MY front porch and I had to shake you so hard to wake you up, I didn’t even know if you would or not!” Eddie retorted, jabbing a finger into Buck’s sternum, “We’re all here for you, but you enjoy playing the pity card too much to accept anyone’s help.”

“Low blow, Eddie, thank you for that.” Buck leaned in, “I don’t even want your help now and I certainly don’t need it.”

“You keep telling yourself that, Buck. Acting like you’re so high and mighty and puffing your chest out just to prove a point. You say you aren’t an immature kid anymore? Fucking prove it. Walking around with something wrong in your leg is not only risking your life, but mine too. Not to mention, the lives of the people we are trying to save. What happens if it gives out or the pain becomes too much? People will die. So, you need help. That’s why I told Bobby.”

“So you’re just concerned that my problems will affect you? I’m so sorry that my lower leg is metal, Eddie, and I have to come to terms with that. I’m sorry that my recovery from that affects your day to day life and inconveniences you.” Buck spat out the last word and scowled at Eddie’s cross face.

Eddie reached down to velcro the wrap to his hand before placing his hands on the loose LAFD shirt hugging Buck’s shoulders. He grabbed the fabric, harshly and whipped Buck around so that the taller man’s back hit the cold, metal lockers behind them and took him completely by surprise, erasing the angry expression from moments ago and replacing it with a shocked, quizzical one. He leaned in close enough that Buck could feel the older man's breath on his face and smell the same woodsy smell that wrapped him in much-needed comfort just hours ago. “I’m concerned because I care about you, Evan. I don’t want you to be in pain, ever, and if your thick head won’t realize that, then someone has to make you see it.”

The two firefighters stood there in silence for a moment longer, Buck feeling the weight of what Eddie said resonating with him before being interrupted by the blaring alarm indicating a call had come in.

_Station 118 we have an incident at a white water rafting center with a couple of trapped passengers down a cliffside and injuries present. Requiring rescue and likely multiple ambulances._

Eddie released the fabric and Buck slunk down from the locker wall, staring at Eddie as he nonchalantly unwrapped his hands and tossed his bag back into the locker.

“Are you coming or not?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, comments and and kudos keep me going! I think next one will be the last one, but I can't guarantee anything. I'm a shorter chapter kind of person so bear with me and we'll get to the end eventually. I'll do whatever you guys want at this point, I'm really enjoying writing this!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr if you want its rememberwhyineededto because I need mutual friends :(


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